darkblue_m30 (darkblue_m30) wrote in benzoaddiction,

new member, heres my benzo nightmare

I figured since I haven't really gone to any meetings & stopped going to therapy, finding a community like this is the next best thing. I'll make this as short as I can but I really just want to share my experience with Xanax & how at first I thought zanny bars were the greatest thing I ever came across to finding out that withdrawals from benzos are worse than withdrawals from heroin. & I found that out the hard way. I started taking painkillers when I was 15 & I'm sure I tried a benzo here and there but I didn't really get into them until I turned 18 & had my first full time job. My Xanax addiction started with crushing and snorting a bar or two a day & by the time I was 21 I was up to 20 2mg bars a day. My mother was on life support in a coma in the hospital, something she never wanted so my family & I decided the most humane thing to do would be to pull the plug. As all of this was going on, my steady dose of 20 bars a day became less & less because I just didn't have the money. Almost a month to the day after my mother passed away my father took me to the emergency room. I had not had anymore than a bar a day for the 3 or 4 days leading up to this incident, & with my tolerance it might as well have been nothing at all. I remember having an appointment with a rehab place & I remember my dad driving with me in the passenger seat, but somewhere in-between something happened. I can remember seeing people, but really blurry & not being able to see their faces. I remember hearing people talk & on the rare occasion I understood what they had said, I was unable to answer. Most of what I thought I heard on the first night in the emergency room were hallucinations. I remember saying to my dad "The dog is here, I can hear him barking". I remember being in a room unable to move & hearing my mothers voice saying "not yet, its not your time" which felt so real. As I slowly came to I came to realize I was in a psych ward & had been catatonic for around 10 days. The nurses actually threw me in a cold shower & I think that plus them giving me Ativan is what helped me come to. Looking back I'm so grateful I did because If I didn't, the next step would have been electric shock therapy & I would have been sent to a state mental hospital. I found out before I left that at one point the nurses thought I had died & the nurse telling me this said she started to cry. This should have really scared me but I spent two weeks total in the psych ward & when I was released I only managed to stay clean for a month.
I started to use mostly painkillers again but after a while I found myself a Xanax connection again but it wasn't until maybe 6 months ago that it really became a problem. My boyfriend had just inherited a large amount of money so we went to town with doing drugs & my drug of choice was Xanax of course. I realized I was going to have a huge problem when the person we would buy them from didn't have any left & I was doing up to 10 a day & currently had zero left. But I figured OK I've been through this before, I can do it again no problem. Boy was I wrong. According to my boyfriend who was laying next to me I was laying in bed & reached to put a bottle of Gatorade back on the table & what he thought was me just carelessly spilling Gatorade all over the bed was the start of my very first seizure. I woke up in the hospital & was released a day later. Since then I've had one more seizure & even though I still like to take drugs recreation-ally, I haven't taken more than one bar of Xanax in a while. I haven't taken anything in a while. Xanax really seems like this miracle drug for anxiety & yes if you don't abuse it I have no doubt that it would improve your life but only for a certain period of time. Taking benzos long term & having to up your dosage because you build a tolerance is a dangerous game. I know quite a lot of people who are prescribed this stuff like its Pez candy, its crazy. & whats crazier is some doctors, if they suspect abuse, can either cut your script in half which makes sense, or just cut you off completely which is dangerous. You should always tapper off. Xanax withdrawals can kill you period. It doesn't matter how many times you've gone though withdrawals before, take it from me- each time is different & every time can be deadly, it's not something you can do on your own.

This is a lot longer than I wanted it to be sorry, but I had to vent.
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