Matt Macagno (Matt Macagno) wrote in benzoaddiction,
Matt Macagno
Matt Macagno

Benzo recovery journey day 1

So this is day 1 without any Ativan, I'll tell you my story as quick as I can, but forgive me if I end up long winded as that's just my nature lol. I've been on just about all of the benzo's over the last 10 years, only in the past 3 years have I tried to come off of them and realized just how hard it is. I was on suboxone for the last 4 years too (thankfully I'm on day 45 of being off opiates, so that's one down!). I will freely yet shamefully admit that I abused both Xanax and Vicodin in a desperate attempt to 'check out' in pursuit of my past life goal of simple comfort. And that's what has changed, while being tried by fire in sufferings, I realized what is truly important, and it's as simple asking yourself 'If I died today, what would I be the most afraid of? (or what would I desire most?), for me it was I would be afraid of hell, and I would desire heaven, the suffering of the body wouldn't matter as much anymore. So I turned back to the Christian faith, realizing that the faith cannot be lukewarm anymore, it has to have 100% commitment to work. Anyway I started seeing truth and the more of the truth I saw, the more I saw, and the more I loved it. I was and am strengthened by faith in Christ. Believe me when I tell you that I tried coming off of suboxone numerous times and failed, but once I turned back to the faith, I was able to do it. After turning to the faith, I started to stop trusting in myself to get through things but rather trusting in God to get things done.

Anyway I want everyone to know that you are not alone in your suffering, remember that when you let go and let God, everything falls into place <3.

So I am fully aware of how these benzo withdrawals go, I have been through it so many times and failed on my own, enough to know it cannot be done alone. I've also done a ton of research as most of us benzo withdrawalees do lol. My focus is not 'escaping this suffering' but rather 'learning from this suffering', God does all the work, I am just along for the ride. And yeah I am suffering, my head is swimming (you know the feeling), my heart is beating out of my chest, battling some delirium, I'm twitching, and feeling on the verge of a seizure every moment, and my GI is all plugged up. I don't care, "do your worst w/d's" Anyway just trying to share the hope, patience in all longsuffering all <3.
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